Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Everclear isn't food dammit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
