until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
