Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
