I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
