Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Welp...herpes.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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