You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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