apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
