I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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