you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
