Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
