I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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