I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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