We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
