dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
