My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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