bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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