I just made out with a guy for $7.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
