finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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