you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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