I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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