he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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