My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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