the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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