rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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