I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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