The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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