he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
