I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize