How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
