Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
