I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
