I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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