I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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