Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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