So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
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would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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