If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I supernannyed him into submission
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...