D3 body, D1 cock
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
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tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
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The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids