I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
