I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
