i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This baby is an asshole
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
