Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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