I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
