I cannot find my penis.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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