Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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