did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
