i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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