someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
