Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
