Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
