You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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