No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
