The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think my fart just growled at me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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