Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
