1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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