Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
