You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
